Once inside, slowly and calmly one by one experts carried out their task under the guidance of my surgeon, Dr. Murad Lala. The vitals were checked. My doctor asked me whether I suffered from low BP. I said, “Not so far”. He said, “Usually patients will have a bit higher BP before surgery, your BP is perfectly fine. So I was wondering whether you had lower BP earlier which moved to regular now”. We laughed at that.
I did not completely understand what was about to happen to me. Neither did I want to understand that because it was tough to handle that thought. I kept wondering what my children were doing. The only person from my family I met before being wheeled into the operation theater was my husband. I did not want all of them to go through the trauma once again. I wondered how my parents and siblings must be handling this situation now.
Things just moved in fast forward mode once I was on the surgical table. My doctor talked to me one last time and asked me, “You understand the surgical procedure, right? Are you confident going ahead with this?” I am not sure whether he was giving me a choice of backing off or ensuring I am comfortable. I asked, “I am OK, how about you sir?” He laughed out loud at this and answered, “Honestly, I am a bit nervous. This is the first time I have taken all the independent decisions and gone ahead with the surgery outside the oncology hospital on my own. I am going to do my best”. By then the anesthesiologist was ready and he put a mask on my face. It was funny that I had expected them to give me a shot to make me unconscious. He informed me that as I breathe, I will slowly lose my consciousness. “Just relax and breathe,” he said. I worried about what would happen if I woke up during surgery. I am not sure my thoughts were even completed before anesthesia took over my consciousness.
The next thing I heard was the voice of my doctor, calling me out. “Farida, Farida, can you hear me?” He seemed to be in a deep well and called me from there. I was very much confused as to why the person who was supposed to do my surgery in a few minutes was calling me from somewhere far off. I wanted to see, but I couldn’t open my eyes. The lids were glued together. I found my voice though and said, “Where am I?” or “Where are you?” I am not sure which one. Then slowly I opened my eyes and found my doctor tapping my cheeks. That was confusing for some time before I realized that I was on the bed in the ward and he was trying to wake me up from sleep. I tried getting up, but he said, “No, please don’t move yet. I want you to wake up since it is already evening. How do you feel?” Slowly the dull ache on my chest informed me that the surgery was over. I was waking up from the anesthesia. I could see my dad and my husband in the background. I had some kind of emotion surging through me, but I cannot tell what it was. It was a one time feeling I had and I have no name for it.
