100 Rays Of Son - 76

The Prism That Made My Life A Rainbow

I was a trouble maker as a child, but, as I grew up, I sobered down. Though I had those temper tantrums, crying bouts and other teen related symptoms; for most of my teen years I was quiet, scared and withdrawn young girl. I was afraid of the world. Loud sounds, fights, dogs, cows, men, and eve teasers everything scared me in my teens. I do not understand when and why the transition happened, but somewhere during my adolescent time it took place slowly and unnoticed by me. It could be one of the other alter egos taking over me, or just simple growing up process. Whatever, I damn sure that I was not the same person in my teens, that I am now nor the one I was in my childhood.  The present myself can relate well to the childhood myself, but in no way can it see eye to eye with my teen self; which was hollow, pretentious, always trying to please others, and nervous.

Relationships often have responsibilities attached which take away a part of you or change you into something else. Being a daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, student or wife had that kind of effect of on me. All these made my life dull and boring up until 20th August 1991, 7.18 a.m. On that day, the most wonderful moment of my life took place. I gave birth to a child and I was born again. That is a contradictory sentence, but that is how life has been ever since. When I say, ‘I was born’, that is the beginning of my alter personality which started taking over me and changing me into a Maa. Few decades ago when I was reading Sidney Sheldon’s ‘Tell Me Your Dreams’, I was intrigued by the multiple personalities of Ashley Paterson. It was unbelievable that a person could have a diverse personality inside their psyche; but now I was seeing the emergence of my own alternate personality which simply took over me. The advantage I had over Ashley was that, I was aware of both the sides of these personalities and could interact with them. I am spared the mystery at least! Whew.

Days have passed by, and finally, ‘Maa’ rules my life now. Rayyan made me a Maa universally, because I am the best playing the role of Maa to almost everyone. So many have adopted me as their alternate Maa. It became just stronger with the arrival of Farheena. The best part about having Rayyan and Farheena is that they did not take away what is there in me and change me into a Maa. Instead, they have brought the real me out and made me what I was really meant to be in the first place. They haven’t driven me nuts – but made me think wisely. They have not made me weak and nervous but made me strong and brave.  They have given me the enthusiasm to fight for my life and live in their happy world, enjoying their company. I can proudly say ‘I am at my best and most happy when I am being a Maa’.

 I am indebted to Rayyan for returning my own self back to me. Since his birth, I started enjoying walks, playing, reading and partying. He filled my boring world with lot of fun, excitement, goals, and liveliness while at the same time he was helping me cope with the challenges life brought my way.

He is a good challenge to me for playing any board games. At first I thought it would be a child’s play to beat him in those games which I was considered to be genius, but I found him getting better than me at most of them. I was shocked that he beat me easily in Othello while he had very less experience in it and I was quite an expert in the game. When you have a good challenge, games become an interesting experience, especially when you feel proud of the person who can beat you. He helped me solve Rubik’s cube so patiently, something I had planned to teach him but failed.

Movies, music, TV series have never been the same. Earlier I used to watch them but with Rayyan I get to talk and discuss them. The experience is completely different. Since we belong to different generations, I get to enter the world of the child/youngster when I am with Rayyan. It wouldn’t be the same with someone my age. We see things from different perspectives and share our ideas.

I wouldn’t have enjoyed MCU movies as much if not for him. May be, being diehard fan of Batman and DC, I would have avoided it completely. Watching RDJ and Hugh Jackman as Iron Man and Wolverine has been one of the best movie experiences for me. Also, it is because of Rayyan I got introduced to Linkin Park music which is an important part of my life now.

I would like to share a small poem here which many years ago Rayyan who was around 7-8 years walked up to me and rendered spontaneously.  I treasure it one of the best award I ever received. It was said in much simpler words in mixed up language.  I wrote it down and kept it in my own words.

God gave me a Maa

God has given me legs to walk

A boneless tongue to talk

A short nose to poke about

A big mouth to eat and shout

A cheek to receive lovely kiss

Friends to help me in crisis

Wonderful teachers to teach

A father to discipline me and preach

A heart to warn me when dangers lurk

Two tiny hands to do my work

Above all God gave me a Mommy

Who can do everything for me!

She talks for me when my words fail

She pokes about when I lose trail

She shouts on my behalf when I have sore throat

She plays with me when my friends tire out

She teaches me what my teachers can’t

She preaches me when my father won’t

She is in my heart to make it strong

She is like music and a beautiful song

I love my Maa.

Off course I love that dear boy who is grown up now but yet has not lost touch with that child. Rayyan summed it all very well. I changed back into behaving and being a child after I became a Maa. Gone were the days I spent, brooding over lost opportunities, lazing around, being grounded for no apparent reason or watching boring movies. It was time again for long walks, activities, funny cartoons, great movies, TV series, music, creativity and fun. I took up painting once again and it was one of the activities we all enjoyed thoroughly as a group of expert painters. Occasionally, Farheena would get carried away and her art would spread on the floor or climb up the walls. She wouldn’t stop until sleep took over her genius creation.

I allowed one messy room for my children to enjoy themselves. The walls could be painted and floor could be tainted there, but nowhere else in the house. I had painted the walls with beautiful Disney characters. To this day, my children have followed the rule. They do not trespass their territories ever.

There was a time when I was confused about making decisions about bringing up my child. Children were precious and I could not take chances. Though I had instincts telling me what was right and what was wrong, I decided to seek expert advice from people who knew about children. Starting with a book ‘Bringing Up Baby’, I intently studied a lot and listened to people who mattered on parenting. Finally what precious gift I got out from all my effort was my ability to be patient, ability to accept the truth gracefully, ability to persevere and ability to love unconditionally. I am indebted to my children for returning my own self back to me and I am especially indebted to Rayyan for initially changing my life with presence of tiny self and now with his efforts and enormous wisdom.  Rayyan is the prism who changed my dull boring life into a bright colourful rainbow.