Dear Zindagi - I Love You

Getting On The Driver's Seat

Dear Zindagi,

                     We met each other on 23rd October 1966.   It may come as a surprise to you when I say, “I Love You” today on my 52nd Birthday. Tough for you to believe, huh, since you may feel you do not deserve my love. Come out of the guilt my Zindagi. I know you were challenging, you were tough on me and also you were damn nasty sometimes, but honestly you saw that I never gave up on you. Not once did I say, I will surrender you to death, but instead fought very hard, even sacrificing my hair and a breast to save you. That was only because I loved you and valued you. I knew there was hope for you to change and become better than the nasty *&^%$ you were trying to be.  Also, whatever you were, I can never say you were boring. You were spicier than all the Andhra or Mexican dishes I have tasted so far.

                  I know our Bollywood is famous for Masala stories and tear-jerkers which they churn out year after year. Honestly, only you, my dear zindagi are the only one who could beat Bollywood with the story you churned out with me as the lead character. Thank God, you did not create the story where the knight in shining armour comes to my rescue, but rather made me the strong warrior, a one woman army who fights the odds you threw at me. Honestly, I am a great fan super heroes like Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine and many others, and not of Mills & Boons, hence I think you gave me what I liked. 

                  I love the way you launched yourself into this world dramatically. On a rainy midnight, fighting for her life, my mom gave birth to me. Neither a Libran nor Scorpion, I was a Cusp. Interesting! But, you had to make it a bit tear jerker as well, right? A second girl child to the parents expecting a boy, that too born with a club foot. A disabled girl child worked like an onion and we had those tears flowing down without any dam stopping them.

                  I love the way you developed my character which defied almost everything around myself in childhood. Not being held back by my disability to social norms or religion, I was a rebellion all the way. Thank you for that fire which burned those stupid, meaningless hurdles in my way and allowed me to move ahead with ease. I loved being a topper in school, playing sports and winning them and also reading books. You were good to me back then and I cherish that side of you even to this day.

               But, then you took a nasty turn. You changed my character into something meek and giving. I gave up studies under parental pressure, married, settled and became a docile woman. A woman, who thought she had some duties to complete and if she did not do that, she is the villain. You would have turned me into a Nirupa Roy character, if not for some hottest spices you churned out after some time.  

                 Dad diagnosed with cancer in 1992, sister diagnosed with breast cancer in 1994, my daughter diagnosed with special needs (Brain Atrophy, with Mental Retardation and Cerebral Palsy) in 1995. You were on the roll, and rolling down a very bumpy rough road making me ache inside and out. Then as a final twist to the story, you brought in cancer into my life. Third stage breast cancer when I was breast feeding my little baby girl of 11 months and taking care of my 4 year old son? How could you be so cruel? I am not sure that I may not have hated for a short period back then and cursed you.

            That is when I decided that you my dear Zindagi will not lead me, but I will take control and lead you. 

You will have your say and choice, but I am going to be in the driver’s seat. Since, you had already taken me down the rough road, the journey back was uphill and tough as well. But, after the cancer catalyst acted on me, I had some super powers which helped me fight every hurdle in my path, including the cancer very hard.

Slowly and steadily, I climbed to a comfortable spot, got my diploma in counselling skills, worked for my graduate and post graduate degrees, gave my children good life skills along with education, gave my daughter a place in our world where she can live with dignity. 

I became the important character in my story and that stupid doctrine that dictated that I do this or do that lost power. I realized that I do not have to do anything, I only want or do not want to do something.

Today, I know that the rough ride you gave me downhill is what made me a strong and proud woman today, who doesn’t wink before patting her own back or loving herself unconditionally. There is no shame for me in blowing my own trumpet.

Thank you dear Zindagi, for giving me a second chance after my fight with cancer, since I now know the real value of life and I know to make the best of each day. Thank you for not making me a mom whose sole purpose in life is to take care of her children, and finally get kidnapped to be rescued by her hero son. I am damn sure my children will worry about the kidnappers and what the hell mom is doing to them in case I am kidnapped.

Thank you for not making me sing the song “mera pati mera devata hai” with that stupid plait standing up my head, and shed tears for a husband or make me pray for love and support. I love the way you gave me the power to live my life the way I want it.

Thank you for not making me rush to my brother or sister for seeking help, but rather be the support for them in their tough times.

Thank you for making my parents proud of me and trust me completely.

I know that you have thrown shit at me sometimes, but then I have used it as a manure and nurtured my dreams. So there is no hard feelings for you.

Dear Zindagi, thank you. Know that I love you and want to make some changes in the world around me with your support. One topic very close to  my heart is the way special needs people must be respected and supported in our society. At present, I have taken a small step towards the change. My Preschool and Daycare - My Giggle Garden is a place where children with special needs and regular school children will play, eat and  study side by side.  

 Be with me for few more decades and watch where I will take you! Don’t go anywhere my dear Zindagi because .. picture abhi baki hai!