A Letter To My Mommy.....

This was tough. There are a few things that have eluded me, because I am kind of a free soul who does whatever I want, even at times driving people around me to desperation. For the past week, I have been thinking about something I should do to start the year. I wish to do something that would remove a big negative vibe from my life. The thought got me thinking, and I got lost in the thoughts for nearly 6 days. On the 7^th day, I realized that there is actually something I have never done before and it is high time I did it. 

New Year has never been the same for me since 2006, the year we lost our mom as the year was in transition and parties going on every day. My mom always believed that the decisions she made for her children were the best for them. Unfortunately, as expected they were not. 

One of those decisions included the guy she choose to me marry off to, though at that age I was not wise enough to sense the danger signals. She should have, but she did not. I carried a lot of anger/regret in my heart for the decision she made, and also how she trapped me into believing that this was the best choice I had. 

I decided to write a letter to my mom to erase those negative feelings from my heart forever. 

As my Mom was an illiterate person, I never got to write a letter for her. I always had to write a letter to my dad or sister and give instructions to tell Mommy this or that when I was not with her. Now that she is in heaven I think she can read or some angel will read it to her if she is stubborn and says, ‘I can’t read’. So finally this year I am writing my first personal letter to my Mom.  

The letter is going to be in English because my Mom always admired the way I handled the language and felt proud of it. I used to feel so embarrassed when she would prod me “Fari, show them how well you can speak. Go ahead talk in English with them”. LOL. Though she could not speak the language she could very well understand it. So here it goes.

“Hey, Mommy,

                            How is heaven? I miss you over here a lot. Don’t worry and start grumbling, “Why has Fari all of a sudden decided to write a letter to me? Is she going to ask me some weird questions even now?” Honestly, I am not having any more questions for you to answer for me, because the answers do not matter anymore. I know I always had so many questions for you. 

Why did you do that? 

How could you love my younger sister more than me? 

Why do you have to spend so much? 

All those questions have lost their significance. Even if you had answers for all of them, that would not change anything. You were a great Mommy to all of us, and whatever you did was for our own good. If things went wrong, it was only because you did not know what was good for us.

When bringing up my own children, on those rarest days when I got angry with them, I would stop myself before going ahead and say “What would I do if my parents were in this situation and not my children? I would not hit my parents or scold them for this mistake, right? Let me treat my children with the same respect I show to my parents and handle this sensibly”.  

For example, if my children break something precious, I just think that what I would do if my dad or mom had broken it, and respond in the same way to my children as I would to my parents. 

That way I have been able to stop myself from hurting my children emotionally. Also when they would not see things as I did or would act differently from what I expected, I would console myself saying, though they are my own kids, they are not ‘ME’. They are different individuals with their own characteristics and personality. I have been able to maintain peace with my children, more so after you left them. Taking good care of them and loving them is one best gifts I can give you. 

Today I am going to reverse that rule. I will think of you as my own child and let things go, as only a Mom can forgive and forget everything a child has done. It is very difficult for us to forgive our parents, but we usually very easily forgive our children.  I know you have done that with us a thousand times in our lives. Though this sounds funny, I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I type. 

When my children were born, I decided to accept them for who they are and love them unconditionally. Today, I decide to accept you for whatever you are because though you are my MOM, you are not ME. Why should I expect you to do everything right?  We are both different individuals with our own thoughts, characteristics, and personalities. Your extravagances, your fears of simple things, and all other characteristics are accepted by me today without finding fault in them. Even the high-fat content of your tasty food is all good with me now.   

I remember how badly you wanted me to get married to your ‘chosen one’ and how many weird tricks you played on me. You exaggerated your heart problems and told me you were dying. I still have no clue how I lost the bet to you. That is how you got the nickname ‘crow’ from me.  Remember how I would say “You are the Chiranjeevi crow Mommy. I am sure you will not die” whenever you tried to emotionally blackmail me ever again with your death threats? You said someday I will regret it. Though you are no more with me, I don’t regret it. It is so funny even today to think over and laugh at. I am so sure you would have survived my refusal of marriage. Studying and becoming an astrophysicist meant a lot to me. You never understood how important this was to me. All you could think was about getting me married to the person who you thought was best suited for your daughter. You even went ahead and said ‘I will cut off my right arm if I am ever proved wrong and he hurts you in any way. You had some dramatic ways, Mommy!

When your chosen one made a great fuss about me sending Farheena to school, for once I saw that regret in your eyes and when you said, “I made a mistake” it was like a final victory for me.  You asked me to forgive you for the wrong you have done. You also said, maybe I would have become a great 

scientist if not for your silliness. Back then I said, “No. I will not forgive you”, in my own hilarious style. Somehow it was difficult to forgive also back on that day.

Today I can say for sure that I don’t even feel a need to forgive you because I don’t feel you did anything wrong. In the words of Eric Segal, "Love means never having to say you're sorry". Your actions were based on your concern for my well-being. You were scared that I would get sucked into the black hole or go crazy by reading all the time. For us your fears were silly, but for you they were true. Today, as a mother when I worry about my children’s safety, I can understand you much better than I did back then.

Due to your choice, I have two wonderful children who have made life so much interesting and better for me for the past 3 decades. Now Madiha has become a part of our lives as well. Nothing in the world would have made me happier than being a mom to them. The feeling is mutual. They would never exchange their crazy Maa for anything. 

I take great pride in my parenting skills and the way I have brought up my children. I cherish every moment I spend with them. And to think all this has been possible only due to the silly choice you made. This has been lingering in my mind for a long time. Today I just officially announce it openly to you. I am very happy with the way you brought me up, instilled confidence in me by trusting me, gave me the freedom to explore all religions, got me married to the person of your choice, and for the amazingly tasty food which made me fat finally. 

Thank you for the amazing patience you showed when I threw around tantrums after tantrums in my childhood. Thank you for being my mom.

Though you made a decision back then for me, I realized lately that I always had a choice to continue or not with the situation I was in. Today I am moving ahead with my life in the way I want it. The past cannot be corrected but the future can be changed. No more blaming you or anyone for what I am today, but taking responsibility for what I am and sculpting my future the way I want it to be. I know you and Dad would be proud to see the work I am doing now. You both were always proud of me. The expression on your face when you said you regretted your decision to get me married was very painful. I am motivated now to make you feel at ease by getting my life back and being independent.

I miss seeing you laugh uncontrollably shaking all over and going red at the jokes I would crack. Just the other day your daughter-in-law was remembering how you would laugh and go red in the face when I said something funny. I miss you when Rayyan or Farheena achieves something because no one would praise them like you did. I miss you when I achieve something or when our family gets together and has fun. Most of all I miss your shrewdness which had people dancing to your tunes. Your words of wisdom make so much sense to me when I am going through a tough phase in life.

Now that Dad has left for the same place you went to, I hope you are both together there with your lovely daughter. Or are you hiding from dad and making fool of him. I hope someday we all will be together again like we were earlier. That was one of the happiest times of our lives.
Sigh! See you once I am done with my work here. Bye for now.

Regards

Farida

The people who have become a treasure in my memories. I miss them every moment of my life. 

              

                   

Some good memories of my mom and my family.