UPDATE:
The third prize is won by
Farida Rizwan of
Chapters From My Life! She
wins a Flipkart gift voucher worth Rs. 3,000!
This is what Rituparna said about this entry:
“Childhood is not always about happy memories…sometimes there are the bitter sweet moments that shape the person you grow up to be.”
One day my mother wanted some puffed rice
and she sent me to the shop to get it from a neighbourhood vendor whose shop
was quite some distance away. I walked all the distance only to find the shop
closed. I dragged myself home and informed my Mom so. For some peculiar reason
her response was odd, “How is that? He is always open on Tuesdays. He is closed
only on Fridays. He has to be there. May be you did not go all the distance
because you felt lazy. He is always there and you better go and get the puffed rice.
I am getting late in serving the breakfast”.
Now I started to wonder what I should do
now. This was a frustrating and situation which made me angry. My mind started
on its evil journey where I decided to get back at my Mommy. I decided to use
the word always as much as possible in everything to irritate her. The word
would be my trump card in coming days.
I am stood there lost in my world, when my
Mommy continued, “Now when are you going to get the puffed rice?”
“I am not going alone. Send someone with me
so that you will know I am not lying. You are ALWAYS sending only me on
errands.”
My Mom summoned my sister who was busy
talking with her friend, and sent us both to get the puffed rice from the shop
that was closed. My sister loved to
catch me red handed doing mischief and I could see the grin of anticipation on
her face. That gave me another idea that I should include her in the revenge
which I would have on my Mommy.
Why I talk like that, question would arise
in your mind, “Don’t I love them?”. I
think I do and quite a lot. But this feeling of anger and revenge comes over me
when something irritates me or I feel I am being pushed against my will. I am
very sure that I do not want them hurting or in pain even for a moment but I
enjoy seeing them being frustrated or troubled for a while.
As
we walk towards the shop, I start wondering what if the shop keeper has come
back. What if he had temporarily closed it? Would I be labelled a liar? I was
tensed for a while but then I relaxed thinking there is always a way out. I can
ask the shopkeeper where he had been a little while ago when I had come down..
Whew!!! What a relief it was.
The shop was closed. So I laughed out loud
and said, “See, coming all the way down here was a waste of time and energy for
both of us.. Mommy is so silly and she mistrusts us ( I wanted to include my
sister with me)ALWAYS”.
We
are walking back slowly when all if a sudden my eyes fell on a kitten shivering
in mud water. I love kittens a lot and wanted to have one at home. It was so
cute that I was willing to fight hard to keep it with me. Then I realized that
I need not do it at all because there was else who would do all the dirty work
for me.
“Babe!!! (my sister’s pet name). Look what
a nice little kitty. I am sure if washed
it is going to be all white and shiny. You said you wanted a pet few days ago…
(she wanted a parrot or dog for a pet) how about taking this and cleaning it.
Shall we take it with us?”
My sister was a compassionate being towards
animals and her inevitable response was, “Wow! It is so pretty. And poor thing
it is suffering so badly. I hate its mother who has left it to die here. Come
let us pick it up”
“Wait I saw it and I am going to take it
home”, I said that only to provoke her into leadership. It worked for she
replied, “I am bigger than you and it will be safe with me.. I carry it home
properly. Here hold this bag and money. Let us pick it up and take it home and
clean it”
I did not want to go back home so soon. So
I said, “We need to clean it before we show it to others. Or else they will
tell us it is stray dirty kitty and will not allow us to keep it”.
Here the use of ‘we’ was just another form
of ‘you’. I was damn sure my sister was
going to do all the work for me.
I knew with all her pride and ‘I am the
leader’ qualities she would do everything all the way, and also fight to keep
the kitty near the bed where we sleep.
All the while I loved the thought of my
mommy waiting sitting on the small stool in the kitchen wondering “Where have
they been…???????”
So off we went to a roadside water pump and
clean the kitty … most of the work was done by my sister, where as I helped by
pouring water and making comments. She was soaked and got dirty in the process.
My mind was working on the two words ‘Always’ and ‘Never’. I wanted to include
them in the coming communication as much as possible and see the effect.
We entered the house quietly. I gave back empty bag and money to Mom, as
she sat there with the questioning look on the stool in the kitchen. How silly
it is that she thought I was lying and we both are coming back with the puffed
rice.
“Where is the puffed rice?”
“The puffed rice is in the shop that is
closed. You ALWAYS doubt me when I say something. You NEVER agree that I do not
lie”.
My mommy looked at me to say something but
then was shocked to see my sister soaked wet and all dirty with something in
her hand.
“Where have you both been to? What is it
you are carrying in your hand?”
Now it was my sister’s turn to take over
and she did it smoothly, “We had been to shop mommy. It was closed. While we
were hurrying back home we found a poor kitty who came running to us. We could
not help but help it.. Look how cute he .... errr she is”
My worried Mom exclaimed, “God! You two
have been playing around with kitties when I am waiting here to get the
breakfast ready. Your daddy will have to leave for factory in about 20 minutes
and what am I going to serve him now?”
My turn for revenge and I said, “It is your
fault Mommy. If you had trusted me earlier you would have had lots of time to
cook the breakfast for daddy and all of us. You ALWAYS mistrust me. You NEVER
believe what I say”.
“What is wrong with you Fari? When did I
not believe and when did I mistrust you? Stop saying always and never… may be
once in while I may feel you are playing a prank on me … Ya Allah! It is so
late now to cook anything else”.
My mother was very upset with the confusion
of cooking breakfast, in addition to a very dirty daughter with a sparkling
clean kitty shivering and meowing pitifully in her arms. Finally she said,“Both
of you take that kitten out and keep it out until I finish my cooking. Don’t
disturb me now”.
“But mommy we NEVER have any pets. Why do
you ALWAYS refuse to give us any pets? We want to keep the kitty with us please
please please…..” I whined and whimpered.
“Shut up. It is too small to survive
without its mother. Go back to where you found it, look for its mother and put
it back with her. You don’t want to kill it? Do you?”
My sister was aghast to hear this. “Mommy!
This is quite a big kitty and I will take care of it. I am much better than its
mother in taking care of it. If I had not seen it, may be some dogs would have
gotten to it and torn it into pieces. I want to keep this kitty and I am not
going to put it back from where I brought it”.
By then my dad asked mom if his breakfast
was ready because he was getting late for office.
My Mom told us to keep the kitty and rushed
to fix something quickly for dad who was getting impatient. He usually spent a
lot of time getting ready for the office and then hurried up with remaining
tasks. I, at times wondered why he spent so much of time grooming himself every
morning where as it took my Mommy lesser time to get ready to go anywhere.
My dad walked in asking “Is the breakfast
ready yet? I have to leave in few minutes”.
“I am having trouble fixing something for
you today. These girls took so much time to come back from the shop and they
did not bring anything. In a minute I will roll some rotis for you”, muttered
my Mom
My Mommy was an excellent cook, so she had
rotis and egg omelets ready for Dad who was mumbling and grumbling at the same
time. He did not like cats much and if he saw the kitty when he was in a shitty
mood then there was no chance of us having it.. but I knew one thing for sure -
if they threw the kitty out they had to throw my sister out too. Once she
decides to help an animal then there is no stopping her. Her sympathies are
very strong and it can take away her mind completely and stunt the working of
her other sense organs. She cannot think straight, cannot hear the reason,
cannot see the facts and loses her fear.
We both hid out of Daddy’s sight until he
went to office. Then I had an idea flashing in my mind. I had watched people
bottle feeding babies and when my little brother was born I wanted to feed him
too. But mommy never allowed me to feed him because she was afraid I may choke
him or something. I don’t blame her because there were times when I would get
lost in thoughts of God knows what and would forget what I am actually doing.
So here I saw the chance of bottle feeding this kitty. My sister beamed with
happiness when I told her that we should bottle feed the kitty. Soon we both
broke our piggy banks. To our horror we found that someone had been tampering
with them. We had way less money than we actually put in it. But this was no
time for playing police or CID, so off we rushed to the shop to buy a feeding
bottle. We had a little argument over the colour; my sister wanted red and I
wanted yellow, finally she won the
argument by putting some extra cash. We rushed back home and my sister slowly
went up to my mother who was now busy getting the lunch ready. It was amazing
how my mother was engrossed with cooking most of the time, and when she was not
cooking something she was busy feeding someone. My sister asked in a very
pleasant tone,“Mommy can I have a glass of milk?”
“Off course Beti ( daughter) .. so finally
my lovely daughter realized milk is good for her hmmm” beamed my Mom
“Mommy I want to feed the kitty”, answered
my sister sheepishly.
“Oh God! Is it still alive? It must be
lucky to survive you two demon girls. Have you been picking it up and bothering
it much?” said my mom horrified.
“No Mommy we have made it sleep in the
basket on an old sweater” my sister pacified her
“Whose old sweater?” asked my Mom worried.
“Grandma’s old sweater. Fari said that is
the best one for our kitty” said my sister. I was never in good books of my
grandma and we always had a cold war brewing between us.
“Off course she would say that… I can
almost hear her saying that and I can also hear your grandma shrieking and
making a fuss out of this.... OH! What else for today?” My Mom was almost in
tears now. She had tough time managing me and her mother, because none listened
to her.
“Don’t worry Mommy. I will tell Naani that
I took her sweater and please let me keep it. She won’t say anything” My sister
explained.
My sister was right. She was my
grandmother’s pet and she would forgive her a few murders gladly, where as she
would not forgive me one dirty look in her direction.
So she came back with the milk and we both
took turns in feeding the kitty. We had to decide on a name and we decided to
call her either Rosy (because of her pink nose) or Julie for some unknown
reason. Finally we ended up calling her Julie because my sister’s teacher was
also named Rosy and we did not want the cat to share the teacher’s name.
Julie survived and became active little
cat. My mother was wrong that she would not survive without her mother. She
turned up to be a wonderful pet at first for both of us and finally got to be
all mine.
No!
I did not do anything drastic. It just happened naturally with natures call.
Afte drinking all the milk and absorbing all the nutrition, her body had to
throw out rest of the waste.. which did not come out with good odour. My sister
is very sensitive to stink and could not stand it even for the love of the cat.
My mom was very strict that we had to clean up whatever mess Julie leaves
behind. So the big question stood in front of us as to ‘who will clean up after
the kitty?’ My sister puked when she tried but I could do it without puking. So
finally I told my sister she had failed in taking care of kitty because
cleaning after the kitty poo is a part of care-taking. My sister was in a
dilemma and knew she was losing her leadership position, but she was helpless.
We split our rights (it was much easier than the Ambani split) on Julie into
80-20. I got to own 80% of Julie for cleaning the crap.
Initially I was worried that my studies
would be affected negatively because of Julie but it actually affected me
positively in every way.. other than my tiffs with grandma over the cat. Julie
would curl up near my legs and give me company when I studied. I felt her
company but no interruption at all. I could concentrate more clearly because
she never allowed me to feel bored and made me relax.
My grandmother found Julie to be my
Achilles ankle, so started taking advantage of this new found weakness in me.
She always believed that we were at war and she had to win this at any cost.
She tried to prove that she was to be obeyed no matter whether she was right or
wrong. At first she tried to tell Daddy that she is allergic to kitty hair but
then my sister started wailing so loud, the topic of chasing away Julie was
dropped like a grenade whose pin has been pulled out. My sister even scared me
to some extent … Phew!
But after our division over Julie, the
kitty was with me most of the time…and my grandma started picking on her. It
was Julie who broke everything broken around the house, it was Julie who ate
every missing food in the house, it was Julie who dirtied everything in the
house that was dirty…Everyday Julie committed at least 8 grave sins and it was
concluded by my grandma that she will accompany me to hell. I may have turned
into a school dropout fearing Julie’s safety but my Mom fell in love with the
kitty and so I could leave her in the cruel world filled with crueller grandmas
and go to school. My Mom fed her milk and other soft food initially and later
on fed her fresh fish etc. When I was not around Julie would sit under my Moms
stool in kitchen and be safe.
My dad never liked Julie, since he got the
negative reports of her as soon as he came home from work – worn out and tired.
The dear cat would curl up on our bed and
stay there the whole night sleeping cosily, where as I and my sister lost sleep
fearing we would hurt her. Gradually we got used to it and for once in my life
I was not kicking everything and everyone around me in my sleep. Julie taught
me to sleep still… [and I still sleep that way even to this day though Julie is
no more with me].
One day a verbal duel took place between me
and my grandmother. I was coming back from school with my sister when all of
sudden, instead of running into us, Julie flew at us at the level of 2 feet
above the ground and landed a little in front of me. I was shocked as to what
must have happened and then saw my grandmother coming after her… and concluded
she had kicked the poor kitty.
“How dare you kick a poor little cat like
that Naani?”
“I did not kick it.. why should I get into
the bad book of God for some silly little stray cat by kicking it? She came in
my way and I stumbled on her”
“Stumbling on cats does not make them fly,
only kicking will”
“I said I did not kick her.. that is it”
For some reason my sister was not saying
anything and that irritated me a lot. She usually avoided arguing with
grandmother and our dad. I could not help it.
My aunt rushed out to see what was
happening and asked me why I was crying because I was already in tears thinking
of Julie who was sitting aside licking herself calmly.
Somehow between sobs I blurted out “This
cruel old woman kicked my cat and it came out flying at my legs”.
“Is that the way to talk about your
grandmother?”
“May be not but let us talk about that
later. Why should someone kick poor Julie?”
My aunt was confused and irritated for some
reason.. but she managed to ask my grandmother ‘why did she kick the poor
kitty’.
“That devil of the cat is always running
between my legs and trying to kill me, I actually stumbled on it. I swear on
Allah!” exclaimed my grandmother.
“That is it. She swears and we cannot say
anything more”, said my aunt.
“Swearing will not take away Julie’s pain”,
I had to complain.
“FARI!… will you please SHUT UP now? When
someone swears on Allah it means what they are saying is true. If not, Allah
will punish them. We are not to dispute this because Allah knows all”.
I was in utter confusion here because I had
seen Julie fly .. and there had to be a kick behind it, as she had no wings..
but, aunty was arguing that swearing on Allah meant that there was no kick. My
eyes were lying. My aunt loved me and usually stood by me in most of the
situations. So this was very irritating and also was irritating was the fact of
my sister’s silence. May be she was tensed about the math’s test the next day
or may be she had not seen Julie fly out like I did.
I did not argue more but decided that I had
something to prove. My mind started chugging away like train engine.. chuk chuk
chuk chuk.. and then flashed an idea.
I slowly slipped into a room where few
things were kept on the mirror. I broke a nail polish bottle, wiped the mess
with my grandma’s blouse, sprinkled face powder in all four corners of the
room, made mess on the wall with my pencil and sat to do my homework. I felt
Julie had been avenged and she slipped quietly near my feet and went to sleep
proving me right.
I almost forgot about my avenging event by
working math when shrieks and squeals made me realize the war had begun.. there
they were blowing horns and inviting my army (only little me on one side all of
them on the other) to fight.
Someone shouted “Fari! Why did you do this
mess here?”
“I did not do anything” I answered back
defiantly.
“You are a liar” my grandma’s voice was
heard over other complaints.
“May be yes, but so are many of you” again
a defiant answer from me.
“We want to know why you did this.” Someone
shouted back. Now was the right time to teach them something and I said, “I did
not do it and I swear on Allah that I did not do it”.
There was utter silence all of a sudden. It
was as though the world had stopped and stood still. Then all the muttering of
Taubah Taubah started and they started to plead with God to forgive this devil
child because she did not know what she was doing.
“What?” I said finally because it looked me
this thing is never going to end.
“You stupid girl! How dare you swear on
Allah just like that and that too on a lie? Don’t you know how fierce is the
fire in hell?” asked my Mom desperate and anxious.
“Now you are not trusting Allah because you
are not believing when I am swearing on him. That will make you accompany me to
hell”
“How can we trust you when we can see what
you have done here? Nobody came here and no one is insane to do this” shouted
my grandmother.
“So when you see something and you are
sure, you can question the swearing on Allah but I cannot? Hmmmmm….” I
answered.
It was at this time in argument that my dad
walked in. My grandmother gave a dramatic explanation of everything, where it
ended as me swearing falsely in the name of Allah which was presented in
fluorescent words.
My dad was tired, and he did not need this
when he came back home.
“This girl needs to learn right from wrong
and there is no more room for explanation. She needs to be punished”. Said my
dad in tough voice.
So when my mother fretted (she never wanted
any of the child physically punished), everyone stood around and watched, a
nylon wire was brought, twisted and used as a whip to lash my legs. Yeah! Only
legs. Meanwhile I was asked to say sorry to God and promise to never insult him
in such way. I did not. I was hurting very badly and my skin had given way in
one or two places making it bleed a bit. But no! I had decided not to give in
and it was Dad who gave up after 6-7 lashes. It was the only time he had
punished me and it was tough for him.
My grandmother smirked and unfortunately I
saw that. I could not forgive her easily for that. My aunt wept and tried to
pacify me, but given the anger seething
through me, she could not even make any eye contact with me. I was not going to
look at any one of them. I was wild, angry and felt I have been wronged. For
many days to come I was quite most of the time and just gave angry stares at my
family when they tried to talk to me. I did not ask for food and my mother had
to remember to feed me something. I stopped allowing her to comb my hair, help
me have bath etc. I created my own island in the house and started living on
that island and meanwhile unknown to anyone, unheard by anyone.. secretly I had
decided that God was my enemy like my grandmother.
My Mom and other members with their loving
ways, someone reached out and connected back with me after sometime. The
advantage of the incident was that it made everyone become over protective with
Julie, who enjoyed her life in our family for a long time to come.
Today, my Mom and Sister have lost their
lives to Breast Cancer, along with my Dad, who though suffering from Hodgkin’s
cancer died naturally. Their memories have now become a treasure. My sister was
a partner with me in everything that happened in my life before our teens.
Relationships are not always sweet and fun, it has its darker sides too, but no
matter what happens, how angry we are, we cannot stop loving our families.
The
incident I have written about has all the sweet, sour, spicy and bitter
memories of my childhood. Though just a simple happening in the humdrum of
life, it has left some impact on me as an adult. I still cannot relate myself
with any religion because I have seen with my innocence the blind way people
follow it. I am totally against physical abuse and punishments, because I can
still sense the shame and hurt I felt when my grandmother smirked while I was
being beaten. I am very careful and cautious when talking to children because I
know how sensitive their minds and hearts are.
We cannot take our children and families
for granted because it is the small every day happening that will chisel the
character and future of the generations to come.
The people who have become a treasure in my memories .. I miss them every moment of my life.
Family faces are magic mirrors -
looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future.
Gail Lumet Buckley
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