Men and Women – What connects or disconnects them.

Men and Women have not much in common between them. They fall in love, get into a relationship and live together as part of single soul in two physical bodies is the most amazing emotional thing that no one can explain.

But relationships are complicated and it is not easy for them always to be in love and be there for each other. Every relationship passes through different phases as time moves on. Basically there are two phases in a relationship between a man and a woman.

1) Falling in love

2) Falling out of love

Falling in love is where the other person is looked upon as a perfect partner. There is lot of illusions and fantasies involved. You cannot have a clear image of things. But this does not last. The feeling is exactly like that of a person doing bungee jumping. When S/he is falling, they have no idea what is happening, things are not clear but they sure know they are not going to die. Excitement, exhilaration, passion and many more emotional syrups rule the mind then. But then you don’t keep falling for ever. A time comes when the fall stops and things become clear. People learn that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I myself would say that falling in love is ignoring person’s imperfections and falling out of love means evaluating the partner rationally. When you fall out of love the illusions and fantasies disappear. You see the positive and negative points in the person. If expectations were very high then it is going to be difficult to come terms with reality. The sooner you fall out of love the better it is.

Contributing to other persons happiness is what makes a relationship last. It is like two people pour water into a vessel when they can so that when they need water they can take it from the vessel. If both the partners are enthusiastically filling the pot then it remains full and they both can enjoy the water. But if both are expecting the other to contribute more or as much as he or she does then the vessel will go empty.

The love between man and woman can be best described when you think of a mother loving her child. Mothers love is exactly opposite to that of a man-woman love. Mothers love is all giving and all sacrificing, whereas the same cannot be said in a man-woman relationship. The man-woman relationship if well understood can be the most intimate and enjoyable one. In a mother child relationship one individual become two different individuals. A mother feels that a child is a part of her own self. In a man woman relationship two different individuals (who have lived separately till then) are striving to become one, towards permanence and a longing for a love that does not end. Here importance should be given to enriching and expanding the physical relationship shared between two people. Strive to effectively open up the inner-self with all its vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Keep ability to laugh at blunders. When either partner thinks there is nothing more to be learnt, then the commitment to growth in a relationship is in trouble.

When a person feels frightened, lonely, worthless or afraid he/she shouldn’t hesitate to reach for the other partner. Such occasions of vulnerability are critically important precisely because they are times when a partner has immense power over his or her mate which they feel a lot affectionate and loving towards their partners. It helps both the partners in a great way.

In a relationship physical demarcation is easily accepted where as emotional demarcation is not that easily accepted.

As often understood the opposite of love is not hate…………..it is indifference.

When couples are arguing and fighting there is still hope of them getting reconciled. It is when they become indifferent to each other that the relationship reaches the worst point.

Two different individuals very rarely emote in a same way. Often we tend to confuse love. When a person says I can’t live without you; it rather shows dependency, but we conclude it is love. Possessiveness is also often confused for love. Jealousy is also taken to be love in initial phases of a relationship. These feelings which look rosy in the beginning starts to irritate a person in later stages.

Marriage is often taken for granted until it starts hurting. And then it becomes more of a competition in accusations rather than an exercise of improvement.

It is important to understand that there are many dimensions unique to the relationship called matrimony. Assess yourself as to how strong you are in each of the dimensions, build up where you are weak, be aware and take pride in those where you are strong.

DIMENSIONS OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE.

1) Sex………………….… actual sex and non-actual intimacy.

2) Emotional………….…..being tuned to each other’s wave length.

3) Intellectual…………….closeness in the world of ideas

4) Aesthetic……………….sharing experiences of beauty

5) Creative…………….….sharing in acts of creating together

6) Recreational……….…..relating in experiences of fun/play

7) Work……………….….closeness of sharing common tasks (home/off)

8) Crisis………………/....closeness in coping with problems and pain

9) Conflict………………..facing and struggling with differences

10) Commitment ………...dedication to common goals

11) Spiritual……………...sharing ultimate concern in ethics

12) Maturity……………...taking responsibility, toleration

13) Communication……...the vital source of true intimacy. Many shortcomings in the above can be overcome if communication is good. Any form of communication ( including arguments, fights). The weakest marriage is one where there is no communication.

SOME TIPS THAT CAN IMPROVE A MARRIAGE :-

Try out the following action plans…………………..

1) Look into each other’s eyes for at least a full minute and, without words, try to read what the other is feeling

2) Let one person say the other’s name repeatedly, changing the tone and intensity, until that person senses that it “feels good”.

3) Practice listening and understanding by explaining the other person’s problem (switch roles).

4) Attempt to get messages through to each other with the use of touch, facial expressions, body movements, eye contact and gestures.

5) Try arguing at a distance with your backs to each other, and then do the same face to face holding hands.

6) Do not meddle in each other’s affair’s

7) Learn to love rather than to just wanting to be loved.

Never trust a relationship that demands the best part of you should remain untouched and untapped. Love should allow you to grow and reach your full potential.

Is it love when a person

Does not tolerate you enjoying a good book?

Does not sit and watch a movie you love?

Does not appreciate other people praising you?

Is very jealous when you seem to achieve more than he or she does?

Doesn’t appreciate the fact that you are a good mom/dad but views it as a competition to his/her love?

Doesn’t like it when you spend some good time with your friends?

Doesn’t clap with the world when you achieve something?

The list would go on growing. People usually easily explain possession as a part of love though they both are totally different entities and also many times the people accept these confusions as true love.

In possession a person will always want to be in control of the relationship and demands that his/her emotional needs be satisfied by the partner at times by sacrificing they own well being for the sake of it. On the other hand love is a state where giving satisfies both the partners and there is no feeling of guilt, sacrifice etc involved.

How often have we confused possession, obsession, passion, lust, jealousy, dependency etc for love?

I feel the relationship between two people should be based more on companionship rather than love because it is so difficult to even understand love.

[This blog has been highly inspired by a class conducted by Dr.Ali Khwaja during my DCS (diploma in counseling skills) course].