Men and Women – What connects or disconnects them.

Men and Women have not much in common between them. They fall in love, get into a relationship and live together as part of single soul in two physical bodies is the most amazing emotional thing that no one can explain.

But relationships are complicated and it is not easy for them always to be in love and be there for each other. Every relationship passes through different phases as time moves on. Basically there are two phases in a relationship between a man and a woman.

1) Falling in love

2) Falling out of love

Falling in love is where the other person is looked upon as a perfect partner. There is lot of illusions and fantasies involved. You cannot have a clear image of things. But this does not last. The feeling is exactly like that of a person doing bungee jumping. When S/he is falling, they have no idea what is happening, things are not clear but they sure know they are not going to die. Excitement, exhilaration, passion and many more emotional syrups rule the mind then. But then you don’t keep falling for ever. A time comes when the fall stops and things become clear. People learn that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I myself would say that falling in love is ignoring person’s imperfections and falling out of love means evaluating the partner rationally. When you fall out of love the illusions and fantasies disappear. You see the positive and negative points in the person. If expectations were very high then it is going to be difficult to come terms with reality. The sooner you fall out of love the better it is.

Contributing to other persons happiness is what makes a relationship last. It is like two people pour water into a vessel when they can so that when they need water they can take it from the vessel. If both the partners are enthusiastically filling the pot then it remains full and they both can enjoy the water. But if both are expecting the other to contribute more or as much as he or she does then the vessel will go empty.

The love between man and woman can be best described when you think of a mother loving her child. Mothers love is exactly opposite to that of a man-woman love. Mothers love is all giving and all sacrificing, whereas the same cannot be said in a man-woman relationship. The man-woman relationship if well understood can be the most intimate and enjoyable one. In a mother child relationship one individual become two different individuals. A mother feels that a child is a part of her own self. In a man woman relationship two different individuals (who have lived separately till then) are striving to become one, towards permanence and a longing for a love that does not end. Here importance should be given to enriching and expanding the physical relationship shared between two people. Strive to effectively open up the inner-self with all its vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Keep ability to laugh at blunders. When either partner thinks there is nothing more to be learnt, then the commitment to growth in a relationship is in trouble.

When a person feels frightened, lonely, worthless or afraid he/she shouldn’t hesitate to reach for the other partner. Such occasions of vulnerability are critically important precisely because they are times when a partner has immense power over his or her mate which they feel a lot affectionate and loving towards their partners. It helps both the partners in a great way.

In a relationship physical demarcation is easily accepted where as emotional demarcation is not that easily accepted.

As often understood the opposite of love is not hate…………..it is indifference.

When couples are arguing and fighting there is still hope of them getting reconciled. It is when they become indifferent to each other that the relationship reaches the worst point.

Two different individuals very rarely emote in a same way. Often we tend to confuse love. When a person says I can’t live without you; it rather shows dependency, but we conclude it is love. Possessiveness is also often confused for love. Jealousy is also taken to be love in initial phases of a relationship. These feelings which look rosy in the beginning starts to irritate a person in later stages.

Marriage is often taken for granted until it starts hurting. And then it becomes more of a competition in accusations rather than an exercise of improvement.

It is important to understand that there are many dimensions unique to the relationship called matrimony. Assess yourself as to how strong you are in each of the dimensions, build up where you are weak, be aware and take pride in those where you are strong.

DIMENSIONS OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE.

1) Sex………………….… actual sex and non-actual intimacy.

2) Emotional………….…..being tuned to each other’s wave length.

3) Intellectual…………….closeness in the world of ideas

4) Aesthetic……………….sharing experiences of beauty

5) Creative…………….….sharing in acts of creating together

6) Recreational……….…..relating in experiences of fun/play

7) Work……………….….closeness of sharing common tasks (home/off)

8) Crisis………………/....closeness in coping with problems and pain

9) Conflict………………..facing and struggling with differences

10) Commitment ………...dedication to common goals

11) Spiritual……………...sharing ultimate concern in ethics

12) Maturity……………...taking responsibility, toleration

13) Communication……...the vital source of true intimacy. Many shortcomings in the above can be overcome if communication is good. Any form of communication ( including arguments, fights). The weakest marriage is one where there is no communication.

SOME TIPS THAT CAN IMPROVE A MARRIAGE :-

Try out the following action plans…………………..

1) Look into each other’s eyes for at least a full minute and, without words, try to read what the other is feeling

2) Let one person say the other’s name repeatedly, changing the tone and intensity, until that person senses that it “feels good”.

3) Practice listening and understanding by explaining the other person’s problem (switch roles).

4) Attempt to get messages through to each other with the use of touch, facial expressions, body movements, eye contact and gestures.

5) Try arguing at a distance with your backs to each other, and then do the same face to face holding hands.

6) Do not meddle in each other’s affair’s

7) Learn to love rather than to just wanting to be loved.

Never trust a relationship that demands the best part of you should remain untouched and untapped. Love should allow you to grow and reach your full potential.

Is it love when a person

Does not tolerate you enjoying a good book?

Does not sit and watch a movie you love?

Does not appreciate other people praising you?

Is very jealous when you seem to achieve more than he or she does?

Doesn’t appreciate the fact that you are a good mom/dad but views it as a competition to his/her love?

Doesn’t like it when you spend some good time with your friends?

Doesn’t clap with the world when you achieve something?

The list would go on growing. People usually easily explain possession as a part of love though they both are totally different entities and also many times the people accept these confusions as true love.

In possession a person will always want to be in control of the relationship and demands that his/her emotional needs be satisfied by the partner at times by sacrificing they own well being for the sake of it. On the other hand love is a state where giving satisfies both the partners and there is no feeling of guilt, sacrifice etc involved.

How often have we confused possession, obsession, passion, lust, jealousy, dependency etc for love?

I feel the relationship between two people should be based more on companionship rather than love because it is so difficult to even understand love.

[This blog has been highly inspired by a class conducted by Dr.Ali Khwaja during my DCS (diploma in counseling skills) course].

Akshaya Patra. Spreading smiles for miles.

I started blogging because I love to share my views with the people who would be interested. Some may oppose my views and some may agree with me but whatever interaction may take place, it gives me happiness of sharing a part of me with the world.

For once I am happy for not myself but about something which I came across recently on indiblogger and surely when you feel happy for someone else that happiness has a flavour of its own. Today I feel quite pleased to write this blog because they say it is going to feed 50 children. Blogging has never felt more worthwhile ever. Wonder how contented would be the feeling of those who are behind the program called Akshaya Patra.. an organization dedicated to feeding hungry children. Their motto is no child should be deprived of education because of hunger. So wisely said words that touch heart.

According to Education for ALL Global Monitoring Report 2007, UNESCO about 13.5 million children in the age group of 6-13 years are out of school in India? Despite the trillion-dollar economic growth, a large chunk of India’s younger generation, does not have access to schools because of hunger and poverty. Their inability to access even one nutritional meal per day is severely limiting their capacity to concentrate in the classroom and receive a proper education, which could otherwise lift them out of the cycle of poverty. Striving to end hunger of underserved children in the 6 to 16 years age group and facilitate their education, The Akshaya Patra Foundation, a not-for-profit, Bangalore-based secular trust evolved a free lunch program in schools in the year 2000. What started as a pilot project in five schools in Bangalore, feeding 1,500 children, has now grown into a mammoth endeavor reaching out to over 12,54,698 children in over 6,900 government, government aided schools and anganwadis (day care centers) in 19 locations, across nine states in India, day after day. Akshaya Patra is now the world’s largest NGO-run school meal program. Long time ago the CCF had introduced mid-day meals in our school. I was very young to understand the motive behind it but the joy of standing in line with friends waiting for hot rice, sambhar, etc to be served was enough for me to get enrolled for the mid-day meals program. It did not last for long for all the children. If those who can afford food can feel so happy about mid day meals in school, I cannot imagine the breadth of smile spread on a hungry child’s face through this program and to say this smile has been reaching 1.2 million children is quite great achievement.

AkshayaPatra is such a well chosen name meaning inexhaustible vessel, an object from Hindu mythology. It was a wonderful vessel given to Yudhishthira by the Lord Surya, which held a never-failing supply of food to the Pandavas every day. But in present day this vessel can become inexhaustible only when people would help it be so. Some wise person had once said that if you cannot be the light that spreads happiness then at least be the mirror which reflects it. I know not many in the world who would be able to feed 1.2 million children who have been deprived of their right even to have one proper meal every day but all can be a part of it by donating over here

Long serve the Akshaya Patra. My well wishes are with you.

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