Confusions .. Fears... Dilemmas.. God!

Later on we went on to chatting a little bit during lunch break. This was observed by few kids from my sisters class and they told her to keep me away from kids who do not belong to our school. My sister most of the time listens to her friends even when her views may differ from theirs. So naturally she told me I shouldn’t talk to kids from orphanage because they are not from decent families and not well behaved. But I have never come across anyone more fine than my new found friend so far in my life. I decided that I will talk to him more because whenever someone told me not to do something that was the reaction they automatically generated in me. Even with out anyone pushing I knew we could be good friends.  He has tremendous affection for Christianity. He is of the opinion that Jesus Christ loves all and even children who are abandoned by their parents. I was happy to know this.  I wanted to know about myself. So one day I asked him

“Do you think he will love girls who are naughty, and lie a lot?”

“You need to ask him to forgive you. He will sure forgive and love you”.

“I did not say it was me”

 “Sorry. I thought you were talking about yourself. He will love you for sure because you are good. Your lying and naughtiness is not evil, it is just mischievous and also funny at times.”

I felt very happy about that comment. It is among few of the things etched in my memory which will never fade. I was very happy then. I wanted to trade the God my family members were always threatening me of to the loving Jesus. My grandma says so often “God is going to throw you to hell because you disobey me so often. There is big fire burning in hell and it is much fierce than what you see here. Pray to him and be good. Or else no one can save you from hell”. My Mom to says something like that but in a mild manner.

My grandmother doesn’t like me at all. She at times curses me to go hell. She threatens me of God and hell very often.

“You can never go to heaven”

“Will you go to heaven Naani?”
”The all forgiving merciful Allah will put me heaven if he forgives me”

“Then I will be bad enough so that he will not forgive me. I don’t want you to pester me again. I am better off in hell if you are going to heaven. Ha ha ha.”

“You are very bad girl. I haven’t seen anyone worse and bad mannered than you”

“Who created me Naani?”

“Allah”

“So it is his fault. He hated you and all people in our family. So he created a bad girl to trouble you. You all say he can do anything he wants to. He doesn’t want me to be good. So he made me naughty and bad. May be he will put me in heaven for following his orders and troubling you all here. Ha ha ha. Please God! Don’t put me with her there, Please. If you put Naani in west than put me in east. Please ! please!”

This is just one of the many incidences that tekes place almost everyday. It was a daily routine, and sometimes I would be trashed by someone for being rude to Naani and making fun of God.

If God doesn’t mind being made fun of by me why should others bother?

 

“How do you know God doesn’t mind being made fun of?”

“They say he is all powerful. Anybody little bigger and stronger than me beats me if I make fun of them. Do you think God would keep mum if it bothered him? That means he doesn’t mind it. Anyway why should petty people stand for him? Does he need their help?

If he does than he isn’t so great. All options tell me they are wrong about God. They do not know who HE is. If they want me to follow their orders and obey them and pray sincerely they have to first be clear about the God who is forced to be involved in every mistake I make. Either tell me he is almighty who creates, protects, helps, cares and loves us or else say we have created him, let us protect him, not hurt him, take care of him and love him. They are confusing me when they punish me for not being decent when I am talking about God. You mean to say he needs them to save him from a wee girl like me who is hurting him with her comments? And everyone says the God they worship is the right one who is going to take them to heaven, (where my grandma is going, I don’t want to go there ha ha hah… ) giving proofs etc. That again confuses me. How can that be so? I would like it so much if they left me alone to grow up and find the God who created me all by myself. In the pretext of guiding me they are adding to my confusions which is making me revolt against God. I hope he understands why I feel the way I do now about him. If he really is the creator and powerful, then I do not want to trigger his anger.

I have discussed this with my friend. He feels sad to know I am so confused. He is not. It is like he has met God and knows him like I do my neighbor. Even after we became friends I cannot say I am not jealous of him.. I still a bit jealous of him for his sure ways. I am confused and it hurts me at times.

When I do not listen and obey orders, answer back rudely to my grandma and behave haughty no one realizes I am hurting very bad inside me. Those things they say about me is not just flowing like water poured over upside down placed pot as they say………. The most common comment I hear “you ignore us and always do what you feel like… talking to you is like pouring water into an upside down placed pot” Why do they not understand that they are hurting me. Why don’t they realize that they are taking away my only refuge ‘The God’ from me by describing him the way they do.